Tag Archives: Satire

Satirical and/or facetious

Camera Maker Develops Electronic Physical Zoom

San Jose, California — Camera maker Cazion Electronics has developed a new system that offers a true optical zoom capability without the expensive optics. The new system dubbed Electronic Physical Zoom (EPZ) is being offered in the latest Cazion cameras such as the CZ290A. The new zoom works by reincorporating a previously important photographic resource: the photographer’s mobility. Continue reading Camera Maker Develops Electronic Physical Zoom

Study Reveals Nothing Does Any Good

Atlanta, Georgia, USA — Following on the heals of many studies debunking the supposed health benefits of a number of foods, activities, vitamins and medications, a recently-completed comprehensive twenty-year study has concluded that nothing has any benefit for our health. The study, published in the Journal of Understanding New Knowledge has been met with a mixture of passive acceptance and incredulity. Continue reading Study Reveals Nothing Does Any Good

Psychic Wins State Lottery

New York, NY — For the first time, a psychic has won a state lottery. Marge Alfen won an estimated 24.1 million dollars when she correctly guessed the six numbers from 1 to 59 in the New York State Lottery Lotto game. Ms. Alfen claims that she did not use her psychic powers to discern the digits. Nevertheless, the event has touched off a serious controversy and an investigation by the Professional Psychics Ethics Council. Marti Isen, spokesman for the council, is concerned that a line may have been crossed. Continue reading Psychic Wins State Lottery

Spotting the Unspotted Owl

Mount Thunder Brook Reserve, Montana — After a long incubation in congressional committees and after a number of political maneuvers and proverbial back-room deals the Unspotted Owl Protection Act finally passed into law late last year. Now, some of the funds earmarked for the act are being used in an effort to locate and study some of the elusive birds.

So far, no one has actually spotted an unspotted owl, but proponents of the project claim that the funds are needed to continue the hunt for the bird which is thought to be endangered. The lead researcher in the hunt for the unspotted owl is Lee Birdseye, ornithologist from Montana State University. “Obviously the unspotted owl must be on the verge of extinction if none have ever been spotted,” Birdseye said. Continue reading Spotting the Unspotted Owl

Scientists Say Pinky is not a Finger

Geneva, Switzerland — The International Anatomical Union convention has declared that according to their new definition, the pinky, or ear finger, does not qualify as a true finger. Previously there was no formal definition of a finger. This had led to concerns that scientists would be forced to recognize many new fingers as advances in anatomical reasoning and theory point out previously unclassified appendages. Kyle Montague, a delegate at the convention, explained the issue that prompted the move. Continue reading Scientists Say Pinky is not a Finger

Feds Try to Improve Spam

Washington DC — No more nonsense. No more deception. Those are the watchwords coming out of Washington. Is there talk of Congressional reform? No, it’s spam that they are targeting, not the potted meat, but the electronic variety. The Feds want to encourage spammers to improve their ways. Among other things, this includes eliminating spam filter avoidance techniques such as gibberish text. Continue reading Feds Try to Improve Spam

Awareness Reaches an All Time High

New York, NY — According to several recent comprehensive surveys, global awareness has reached an all time high. The findings have gratified the more than eight million awareness organizations, committees and ad-hoc groups around the world. Seymour Lumière, spokesman for the International Union of Awareness Awareness, spoke from the IUAA offices in New York City. Continue reading Awareness Reaches an All Time High

Doomsday Clock Strikes Midnight

Everyone is Dead

Chicago, IL — For sixty years the Directors of the Bulletin of the Doomsday Society have been maintaining the famous (or infamous) doomsday clock in an effort to bring attention to the world’s peril and the potential for the impending ultimate demise of humanity. Over the years we’ve become accustomed to hovering a few minutes from that dark midnight, so it came as a shock when yesterday the doomsday clock finally reached the ill-fated hour. Apparently, we are all now dead. Continue reading Doomsday Clock Strikes Midnight

Researchers Discover a New Knot

IRVINE, CALIFORNIA — Researchers have discovered the first new knot in more than a century. Using sophisticated new super-computing software derived from advanced string theory, scientists at the Lawrence Institute for Elementary Science have been able to mathematically synthesize the new knot and produce a 3-D image of its structure. Researchers caution that the new knot, known as FS1701A, is not yet fit to be tied since more work needs to be done in clarifying its dizzying internal structure. Practical applications may be years away. Continue reading Researchers Discover a New Knot