Study Reveals Nothing Does Any Good

Atlanta, Georgia, USA — Following on the heals of many studies debunking the supposed health benefits of a number of foods, activities, vitamins and medications, a recently-completed comprehensive twenty-year study has concluded that nothing has any benefit for our health. The study, published in the Journal of Understanding New Knowledge has been met with a mixture of passive acceptance and incredulity.

Other scientists disagree with the results, claiming that sometimes something does some good. None, however, were willing or able to go on record to cite specific examples.

The controversial conclusions assert that all foods are in fact poisons and that even seemingly benign water either carries toxins into the body, or if purified, leaches nutrients from it. Vitamins—the word stemming from ‘vital minerals’—were shown to have no long lasting positive effects. They are also said to be dangerously toxic when taken in large doses. The efficacy/toxicity concerns are complicated by the fact that no one has any real idea of their actual intake of vitamins; it is all but impossible to determine the vitamin content of any but the most basic diets. Thus, it is easy to overdose. The study showed that rats fed an exclusive diet of vitamin pills died within just a few days. Other rats, fed vitamin pills along with rat food lived far longer, and those fed just rat food, lived the longest. Also, none of the rats were able to survive when smacked with heavy sticks. “Clearly, far from being vital, these minerals proved to be highly toxic poisons,” the paper asserts.

“And by a sleep to say we end the thousand natural shocks to which flesh is heir to, ‘tis a consummation devoutly to be wished.”

Hamlet’s soliloquy eloquently equates sleep with death. New research seems to confirm that sleep directly results in loss of lifetime. The findings show that a person sleeping the recommended eight hours a night will loose approximately a third of their lifetime to a state of unconsciousness not unlike death itself. This startling revelation has shocked the sleeping world with many vowing to tirelessly fight the evils of sleep.

In further experiments, rats were exposed to increasing electrical currents, ”The results were always the same, as the voltage and current increased the rats were eventually fried and burned to cinders.” Thus our hopes for the purported health benefits of electrical stimulation have apparently gone up in smoke.

The effects of magnetism were explored. Again rats were exposed to ever increasing magnetic fields. It was found that the powerful rare earth magnets, one placed on either side of the rats, would crush the hapless creatures as the two magnets were forcefully attracted to one another.

Even seemingly benign meditation did not escape the critical eye of the researchers who found it to be particularly nefarious in its ability to paradoxically rob one of both meaning and cognition. Rats were sequestered in stimulus-free environments or exposed to flashing lights and soft endlessly repetitive music for days on end. At the end of the meditation time the rats appeared confused and disoriented. None of them were able to read or follow simple verbal instructions following the meditation.

In humans, similar effects were reported as they tried to navigate through pointless mazes in search of a few kernels of dried corn. Some subjects became violent and attacked the researches after having been restrained and exposed for ninety hours to a recording of a children’s choir singing the one-word mantra “Ohm” over and over again. Thinking the recording too simplistic researchers tried other melodies such as continuous repetition of the chorus from a well known children’s theme park ride. This had even more deleterious results with some of the test subjects becoming dangerously psychotic and requiring extended rehabilitation. Finally, long-term monitoring of various practitioners of meditation revealed that they too suffer mortality at a similar rate to other non-meditating persons.

Exercise too, was implicated in a host of negative effects. Apart from the obvious injuries attributed to it, exercise also promotes a false sense of well-being that the researches say is only an illusion. The euphoria is the result of endorphins released into the body as a natural painkiller and anti-depressant. Scientists point out that this is just a drug and that exercise fanatics are in fact addicts driving their bodies to destruction in a headlong rush for a poisonous drug contained within their glands. They become, so the scientists claim, like self-contained pushers and users.

Others counter that there are obvious positive effects from moderate exercise, most notably for the cardiovascular and skeletal systems as well as a generally improved mental state. The authors of the study dispute this, asserting that those apparent benefits are only temporary and much like a diet they fail to achieve long lasting improvement. As soon as the exercise program stops, as it surely will, all the work will have been in vain. They point out that even the most physically fit eventually become too old to continue and that they don’t tend to live much longer than those that do not exercise at all. The paper grimly concludes,

“There is only a variation of a few decades amongst in human life-spans regardless of how people live their lives. There is no hope. We are all going to die.”

The authors of the study were unavailable for comment. Many are already dead, having refused food and drink they awaited their demise playing aimlessly with their remaining rats.

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