Everyone is Dead
Chicago, IL — For sixty years the Directors of the Bulletin of the Doomsday Society have been maintaining the famous (or infamous) doomsday clock in an effort to bring attention to the world’s peril and the potential for the impending ultimate demise of humanity. Over the years we’ve become accustomed to hovering a few minutes from that dark midnight, so it came as a shock when yesterday the doomsday clock finally reached the ill-fated hour. Apparently, we are all now dead.
The most surprising result is that death seems very much like life in the world we once called home. Doomsday scientists are speculating that death may simply be a transition from one dimension of existence to another. In other words, we may have all passed into an alternate universe as the clock struck twelve. Most people seemed unaware that time had finally run out and went about their business as usual on the day of doom.
“I don’t feel dead,” said Marjorie McVie, an attorney with a Chicago law firm, expressing a common reaction upon hearing the news. Then, once she had time to become accustomed to the possibility of her recent death, she conceded, “I may be willing to accept that I am dead if I can be convinced beyond a reasonable doubt.” After many assurances and having viewed a photo of the infamous clock she became more melancholy and philosophical. “There’s so much that I wanted to do with my life,” she regretted, but then continued, “I suppose though that no one achieves all of his or her goals in life and I did try to live a good life. Now I must explore my new self as a zombie.”
Others echoed her sentiments and had similar reactions. Many, however, refused to accept that they were dead. “I ain’t dead,” said Beuford Plumber. “That’s dumb. All those scientists and researchers claiming to know everything. I am not dead because I have a headache and you don’t have headaches when you’re dead.”
Mr. Plumber brings up an interesting point. It turns out that emergency rooms are still receiving the ill and injured. More to the point, they have recorded what can only be described as fatalities since the doomsday clock ran out. Doomsday Society spokesperson Angela Departé explained, “The people who are now appearing to die are in fact moving on to yet another plane. We have found serious deficiencies in this new parallel universe and have decided to construct a new doomsday clock. Initially, given what we’ve seen so far, we will be forced to set the time very close to midnight.