All posts by Michael Holman

Psychic Wins State Lottery

New York, NY — For the first time, a psychic has won a state lottery. Marge Alfen won an estimated 24.1 million dollars when she correctly guessed the six numbers from 1 to 59 in the New York State Lottery Lotto game. Ms. Alfen claims that she did not use her psychic powers to discern the digits. Nevertheless, the event has touched off a serious controversy and an investigation by the Professional Psychics Ethics Council. Marti Isen, spokesman for the council, is concerned that a line may have been crossed. Continue reading Psychic Wins State Lottery

Spotting the Unspotted Owl

Mount Thunder Brook Reserve, Montana — After a long incubation in congressional committees and after a number of political maneuvers and proverbial back-room deals the Unspotted Owl Protection Act finally passed into law late last year. Now, some of the funds earmarked for the act are being used in an effort to locate and study some of the elusive birds.

So far, no one has actually spotted an unspotted owl, but proponents of the project claim that the funds are needed to continue the hunt for the bird which is thought to be endangered. The lead researcher in the hunt for the unspotted owl is Lee Birdseye, ornithologist from Montana State University. “Obviously the unspotted owl must be on the verge of extinction if none have ever been spotted,” Birdseye said. Continue reading Spotting the Unspotted Owl

Scientists Say Pinky is not a Finger

Geneva, Switzerland — The International Anatomical Union convention has declared that according to their new definition, the pinky, or ear finger, does not qualify as a true finger. Previously there was no formal definition of a finger. This had led to concerns that scientists would be forced to recognize many new fingers as advances in anatomical reasoning and theory point out previously unclassified appendages. Kyle Montague, a delegate at the convention, explained the issue that prompted the move. Continue reading Scientists Say Pinky is not a Finger

Feds Try to Improve Spam

Washington DC — No more nonsense. No more deception. Those are the watchwords coming out of Washington. Is there talk of Congressional reform? No, it’s spam that they are targeting, not the potted meat, but the electronic variety. The Feds want to encourage spammers to improve their ways. Among other things, this includes eliminating spam filter avoidance techniques such as gibberish text. Continue reading Feds Try to Improve Spam

Awareness Reaches an All Time High

New York, NY — According to several recent comprehensive surveys, global awareness has reached an all time high. The findings have gratified the more than eight million awareness organizations, committees and ad-hoc groups around the world. Seymour Lumière, spokesman for the International Union of Awareness Awareness, spoke from the IUAA offices in New York City. Continue reading Awareness Reaches an All Time High

Doomsday Clock Strikes Midnight

Everyone is Dead

Chicago, IL — For sixty years the Directors of the Bulletin of the Doomsday Society have been maintaining the famous (or infamous) doomsday clock in an effort to bring attention to the world’s peril and the potential for the impending ultimate demise of humanity. Over the years we’ve become accustomed to hovering a few minutes from that dark midnight, so it came as a shock when yesterday the doomsday clock finally reached the ill-fated hour. Apparently, we are all now dead. Continue reading Doomsday Clock Strikes Midnight

Shall I Shout Against the Wind

A force obliterates my scream and carries it spent and shattered among whistling branches of lifeless wood. Am I to be such a fool that I would rage alone against the calamity of this gloomy oppression. Where are the legions that cannot deny the plain truth of passion written in their hearts?

Was I formed in the image of despair? Better my heart be wounded than marking time in lonely parody. The world is full of broken bored fools who exchanged their passion for dull fantasies with only faint remembrances of real vision. Who will avoid the silent painless death that is life without passion?

Beggar’s WIne

How much does it cost to buy a man’s soul
You can have him for the purchase of his lips
Talk is cheaper than beggar’s wine
Words entice, deceive—like harlot’s hips

An idle stroll takes the bitter road
The one you said you never would
The fate you wove will bind its charge
The weaver who knew he never could

Dwelling in the unholy place
Cherished within our selfish space
Opium pity and shaking fist
Soothe awhile the bitterness

Darkened moods fall in around
Yet more dark moods fall in

An ill-made choice dooms every path
Till there’s only the smugglers track
Where carried on the backs of slaves
Their souls they burdened to their graves
Fools, they know what makes their might
Despair has taken their natal light
Burnt their hearts and left them cold
Blood-soot ashes of poison woe
Broken, yet when pressed to flee
Whirl and spit with tongues that sting
There but for any grace go I
Not so different—to death so neigh

Hopes as dust ground by time
Dwindling through the hourglass
A shifting grave for dreams to die
A perfect tapered bower, alas
Grain of life that falls unchecked
Join your daubs in tumbling splay
Your pitiless fatal arrow flecked
Offends all fortune—mark the day

What loss have I—it’s poured out red
Hide me from this bleeding bed
I made this resting place of mine
Formed by careless wastes of time
Now I see me lying there
Now I see my true despair
Dreams exchanged at pauper’s price
No harm perhaps, if once or twice
But swift are feet to follies taken
Easy steps and all’s forsaken
Lies to self and shared aloud
Shame the heart and tame the proud
Talk is cheaper than beggar’s wine
Talk is cheaper than beggar’s wine

NASA Misses a PR Opportunity with LCROSS

Unfortunately, there seems to be a failure of imagination at NASA in recent years with regard to capturing the world’s interest and building excitement about NASA’s mission. That directly translates into reduced budgets and fewer engineers and scientists overall, as well as in those who choose a career in space exploration. Indicative of a larger problem, the overall sentiment is negative on the LCROSS mission–for all the wrong reasons, but as I make the case here, that’s really a result of the failure of NASA to inspire public. Continue reading NASA Misses a PR Opportunity with LCROSS

Researchers Discover a New Knot

IRVINE, CALIFORNIA — Researchers have discovered the first new knot in more than a century. Using sophisticated new super-computing software derived from advanced string theory, scientists at the Lawrence Institute for Elementary Science have been able to mathematically synthesize the new knot and produce a 3-D image of its structure. Researchers caution that the new knot, known as FS1701A, is not yet fit to be tied since more work needs to be done in clarifying its dizzying internal structure. Practical applications may be years away. Continue reading Researchers Discover a New Knot